Why am I doing this to myself?!
It´s Monday, and I just refuse to get dressed, since outside it is snowing - again!! This winter has been going on for too long - I just can´t have anymore of this shit!! I hate to have to dig out the car from under the snow at the train station in the month of April, it feels so wrong! And it doesn´t feel better being - as I was - completely exhausted, after a crazy weekend in Helsinki...
[Why am I doing these things to myself? I should know better after all my years of all kinds of experiences... ]
Sure, I did the work things I went there to do, and I even did some interviews that I had not actually planned to do, but of course it was not exactly a good idea to be out drinking too much beer for too many hours on both Friday and Saturday... [why?!]
But it was fun to meet (and interview) Jonte, one of the persons from my past. (Jan, the one I talked to last week, the ex-communist - but since 1981 jesus-freak - was a completely different story... sort of scary!) I think I saw Jonte last time when I was living in DC, so it has to be about 10 years ago. I remember we had lunch in Helsinki at some point when I was in Finland visiting, and he congratulated me to my pregnancy - but I had to disappoint him by telling him that I was not pregnant - just fat...
[ this thing I just wrote got my mind back on to something I try to keep myself from thinking about, since I just can´t understand... A terrible thing, which has to do with a pregnant woman and a baby - both dead by now - has happened around here, and it has once again made me wonder if just anybody can do almost anything, given the right - or wrong - circumstances... Can I even trust myself not to snap and start doing things that others consider completely insane? ... ok, I know there might be somebody out there reading this who thinks that "Isn´t she quite crazy already? Does it need to get any worse...?" But I don´t mean that kind of crazy... ]
Anyway, to my surprise Jonte decided to come into town on Saturday with Guillaume and me after the interview, so that´s one of the reason why too much beer was consumed also on Saturday. I mean, if you meet somebody only every 10 years or so, of course you have to go out and have fun - I thought. And it was fun!
Today I am still completely exhausted, and doubting that I will ever be able to make anything worth listening to from the confused interviews that have been recorded so far. Have to listen to them - but not today - and try to think of a way to make this story into something that can be aired... My problem is often that I never know exactly what I am doing until it´s done (I probably shouldn´t write this ...) - and this time I really should know what the hell I´m doing.
But I don´t.
I met some interesting people at the Swedish Speaking Gay-weekend, though, and I did a couple of interviews. But somehow I just tried to squeeze too much into one lousy weekend - I mean, it´s not possible to be in severeal places at one time - and it´s not possible to function with too few hours of sleep. I know all this, since many years - so I just have to repeat: why the fuck am I doing this to myself?
Now I have had 4 cups of coffee, so I think it´s time to get dressed and go down to the shop where my friend W is selling stuff for home improvement, and ask if he could offer me one more coffee. He usually can. And after that, my workday can start - in case I don´t decide to take the day off...
Might need it.
Oh, and last but not least the cat pee update:
Just to make my homecoming memorable, my cats had peed in a chair, as if to say "wellcome home, bitch!" - and I hadn´t been away for more than 3 days! Now, as I write this, two of the cats are busy killing each other downstairs... but I´m so tired of the smell of cat pee that I don´t bother to go down and try to stop them.
(Damn! I must be really tired and annoyed to write such a thing, about my cats! Got to go down to the kitchen right now to see if they are all still alive...)
[Why am I doing these things to myself? I should know better after all my years of all kinds of experiences... ]
Sure, I did the work things I went there to do, and I even did some interviews that I had not actually planned to do, but of course it was not exactly a good idea to be out drinking too much beer for too many hours on both Friday and Saturday... [why?!]
But it was fun to meet (and interview) Jonte, one of the persons from my past. (Jan, the one I talked to last week, the ex-communist - but since 1981 jesus-freak - was a completely different story... sort of scary!) I think I saw Jonte last time when I was living in DC, so it has to be about 10 years ago. I remember we had lunch in Helsinki at some point when I was in Finland visiting, and he congratulated me to my pregnancy - but I had to disappoint him by telling him that I was not pregnant - just fat...
[ this thing I just wrote got my mind back on to something I try to keep myself from thinking about, since I just can´t understand... A terrible thing, which has to do with a pregnant woman and a baby - both dead by now - has happened around here, and it has once again made me wonder if just anybody can do almost anything, given the right - or wrong - circumstances... Can I even trust myself not to snap and start doing things that others consider completely insane? ... ok, I know there might be somebody out there reading this who thinks that "Isn´t she quite crazy already? Does it need to get any worse...?" But I don´t mean that kind of crazy... ]
Anyway, to my surprise Jonte decided to come into town on Saturday with Guillaume and me after the interview, so that´s one of the reason why too much beer was consumed also on Saturday. I mean, if you meet somebody only every 10 years or so, of course you have to go out and have fun - I thought. And it was fun!
Today I am still completely exhausted, and doubting that I will ever be able to make anything worth listening to from the confused interviews that have been recorded so far. Have to listen to them - but not today - and try to think of a way to make this story into something that can be aired... My problem is often that I never know exactly what I am doing until it´s done (I probably shouldn´t write this ...) - and this time I really should know what the hell I´m doing.
But I don´t.
I met some interesting people at the Swedish Speaking Gay-weekend, though, and I did a couple of interviews. But somehow I just tried to squeeze too much into one lousy weekend - I mean, it´s not possible to be in severeal places at one time - and it´s not possible to function with too few hours of sleep. I know all this, since many years - so I just have to repeat: why the fuck am I doing this to myself?
Now I have had 4 cups of coffee, so I think it´s time to get dressed and go down to the shop where my friend W is selling stuff for home improvement, and ask if he could offer me one more coffee. He usually can. And after that, my workday can start - in case I don´t decide to take the day off...
Might need it.
Oh, and last but not least the cat pee update:
Just to make my homecoming memorable, my cats had peed in a chair, as if to say "wellcome home, bitch!" - and I hadn´t been away for more than 3 days! Now, as I write this, two of the cats are busy killing each other downstairs... but I´m so tired of the smell of cat pee that I don´t bother to go down and try to stop them.
(Damn! I must be really tired and annoyed to write such a thing, about my cats! Got to go down to the kitchen right now to see if they are all still alive...)
posted by grumpyoldbitch | 10:29 AM
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2 comments
