Why am I doing this to myself?!
It´s Monday, and I just refuse to get dressed, since outside it is snowing - again!! This winter has been going on for too long - I just can´t have anymore of this shit!! I hate to have to dig out the car from under the snow at the train station in the month of April, it feels so wrong! And it doesn´t feel better being - as I was - completely exhausted, after a crazy weekend in Helsinki...
[Why am I doing these things to myself? I should know better after all my years of all kinds of experiences... ]
Sure, I did the work things I went there to do, and I even did some interviews that I had not actually planned to do, but of course it was not exactly a good idea to be out drinking too much beer for too many hours on both Friday and Saturday... [why?!]
But it was fun to meet (and interview) Jonte, one of the persons from my past. (Jan, the one I talked to last week, the ex-communist - but since 1981 jesus-freak - was a completely different story... sort of scary!) I think I saw Jonte last time when I was living in DC, so it has to be about 10 years ago. I remember we had lunch in Helsinki at some point when I was in Finland visiting, and he congratulated me to my pregnancy - but I had to disappoint him by telling him that I was not pregnant - just fat...
[ this thing I just wrote got my mind back on to something I try to keep myself from thinking about, since I just can´t understand... A terrible thing, which has to do with a pregnant woman and a baby - both dead by now - has happened around here, and it has once again made me wonder if just anybody can do almost anything, given the right - or wrong - circumstances... Can I even trust myself not to snap and start doing things that others consider completely insane? ... ok, I know there might be somebody out there reading this who thinks that "Isn´t she quite crazy already? Does it need to get any worse...?" But I don´t mean that kind of crazy... ]
Anyway, to my surprise Jonte decided to come into town on Saturday with Guillaume and me after the interview, so that´s one of the reason why too much beer was consumed also on Saturday. I mean, if you meet somebody only every 10 years or so, of course you have to go out and have fun - I thought. And it was fun!
Today I am still completely exhausted, and doubting that I will ever be able to make anything worth listening to from the confused interviews that have been recorded so far. Have to listen to them - but not today - and try to think of a way to make this story into something that can be aired... My problem is often that I never know exactly what I am doing until it´s done (I probably shouldn´t write this ...) - and this time I really should know what the hell I´m doing.
But I don´t.
I met some interesting people at the Swedish Speaking Gay-weekend, though, and I did a couple of interviews. But somehow I just tried to squeeze too much into one lousy weekend - I mean, it´s not possible to be in severeal places at one time - and it´s not possible to function with too few hours of sleep. I know all this, since many years - so I just have to repeat: why the fuck am I doing this to myself?
Now I have had 4 cups of coffee, so I think it´s time to get dressed and go down to the shop where my friend W is selling stuff for home improvement, and ask if he could offer me one more coffee. He usually can. And after that, my workday can start - in case I don´t decide to take the day off...
Might need it.
Oh, and last but not least the cat pee update:
Just to make my homecoming memorable, my cats had peed in a chair, as if to say "wellcome home, bitch!" - and I hadn´t been away for more than 3 days! Now, as I write this, two of the cats are busy killing each other downstairs... but I´m so tired of the smell of cat pee that I don´t bother to go down and try to stop them.
(Damn! I must be really tired and annoyed to write such a thing, about my cats! Got to go down to the kitchen right now to see if they are all still alive...)
[Why am I doing these things to myself? I should know better after all my years of all kinds of experiences... ]
Sure, I did the work things I went there to do, and I even did some interviews that I had not actually planned to do, but of course it was not exactly a good idea to be out drinking too much beer for too many hours on both Friday and Saturday... [why?!]
But it was fun to meet (and interview) Jonte, one of the persons from my past. (Jan, the one I talked to last week, the ex-communist - but since 1981 jesus-freak - was a completely different story... sort of scary!) I think I saw Jonte last time when I was living in DC, so it has to be about 10 years ago. I remember we had lunch in Helsinki at some point when I was in Finland visiting, and he congratulated me to my pregnancy - but I had to disappoint him by telling him that I was not pregnant - just fat...
[ this thing I just wrote got my mind back on to something I try to keep myself from thinking about, since I just can´t understand... A terrible thing, which has to do with a pregnant woman and a baby - both dead by now - has happened around here, and it has once again made me wonder if just anybody can do almost anything, given the right - or wrong - circumstances... Can I even trust myself not to snap and start doing things that others consider completely insane? ... ok, I know there might be somebody out there reading this who thinks that "Isn´t she quite crazy already? Does it need to get any worse...?" But I don´t mean that kind of crazy... ]
Anyway, to my surprise Jonte decided to come into town on Saturday with Guillaume and me after the interview, so that´s one of the reason why too much beer was consumed also on Saturday. I mean, if you meet somebody only every 10 years or so, of course you have to go out and have fun - I thought. And it was fun!
Today I am still completely exhausted, and doubting that I will ever be able to make anything worth listening to from the confused interviews that have been recorded so far. Have to listen to them - but not today - and try to think of a way to make this story into something that can be aired... My problem is often that I never know exactly what I am doing until it´s done (I probably shouldn´t write this ...) - and this time I really should know what the hell I´m doing.
But I don´t.
I met some interesting people at the Swedish Speaking Gay-weekend, though, and I did a couple of interviews. But somehow I just tried to squeeze too much into one lousy weekend - I mean, it´s not possible to be in severeal places at one time - and it´s not possible to function with too few hours of sleep. I know all this, since many years - so I just have to repeat: why the fuck am I doing this to myself?
Now I have had 4 cups of coffee, so I think it´s time to get dressed and go down to the shop where my friend W is selling stuff for home improvement, and ask if he could offer me one more coffee. He usually can. And after that, my workday can start - in case I don´t decide to take the day off...
Might need it.
Oh, and last but not least the cat pee update:
Just to make my homecoming memorable, my cats had peed in a chair, as if to say "wellcome home, bitch!" - and I hadn´t been away for more than 3 days! Now, as I write this, two of the cats are busy killing each other downstairs... but I´m so tired of the smell of cat pee that I don´t bother to go down and try to stop them.
(Damn! I must be really tired and annoyed to write such a thing, about my cats! Got to go down to the kitchen right now to see if they are all still alive...)
posted by grumpyoldbitch | 10:29 AM
2 Comments:
I should have been at the Gay festival too, but I worked all weekend... Actually, I worked 7 days in a row at the museum, enough for me to almost want to kill myself. I am so tired of all those pictures by now, and two more months to go! But in June I will move to the countryside and hide away there, becoming a myth. Does she exist? Has anyone ever really seen her? No, she must be fictional!
Can't wait.
Will she ever write again? I'm back from my brother's wedding in Hawaii and back to my usual activities: sopping up puddles of cat pee. But I feel so alone....
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