My entire house is a huge kitty litter box

One of the reasons I haven´t been writing a lot here lately (except for the fact that I forgot my username and password...) is that I have been extremely busy trying to keep the house from converting into a huge kitty litter box... It´s gotten completely out of hand! My cats show their discontent with my frequent travels by constantly finding new places to leave their little marks... Like just under the computer! I hate that!! I don´t notice the smell at first, because it is really faint, but if I sit still long enought, my brain finally has time to process all the external information, and I realize that the damned creatures have actually peed, not only under, but on the computer... What am I suppsed to do?!

On the other hand, I´m getting to be so used to this now, so I don´t even break down in tears any longer when I realize what has happened, I just calmly get my special perfumed wipes, and take care of the mess, because I do love my little cats anyway.

It´s been a long and strange winter - and at times I have been so sad I thought I would never get out of it. But now, suddenly, it feels like I can live again - I don´t need to cry for an hour before I can get started, and (I don´t know if I dare to say this... I might get punished by I don´t know whom or what, but it does feel sort of risky...) I actually feel great most of the time!

Maybe it was really worth going through all the shit that came my way last year? Maybe I don´t need to feel miserable most of the time?

Happiness? Something for me...?

What a concept!

What will happen to my grumpiness if this state continues?

Cat pee update

Oh no, don´t get your hopes up - I´m not going to deliver a complete cat pee update, because then I´d be writing until this time next year... Let me just put it this way: almost every day has been a cat piss day ... (is anybody still wondering why I had to be on sick leave for several months?) As if my life didn´t such enough anyway!

But that was last year. Actually, my life doesn´t suck that much anymore. I think. (Either that, or I have gotten better in the fine art of "healthy denial"...)

Since my long sick leave for burnout - or depression, or whatever you choose to call my state of complete exhaustion - I´ve been working less, making less money, and generally feeling better about myself. It probably also has something to do with having created some structure in my life - like: sushi on Tuesdays, jazz on Thursdays, movie on Saturdays - and a lot of improvised time with good friends in between...(no, we don´t always dress like in the picture...). I spend more time in the neighboring town now than I did last year, which means I spend more money on gasoline and less money on beer. It all evens out, somehow. But I have a feeling that this arrangement, which might not be recommended from an environmentalist point of view, is doing wonders for my liver and my mind, so... I´m only feeling a little bit guilty. (Or am I really supposed to sacrifice my mental health for the planet? )

And I have finally learned to be alone without feeling completely restless... many evenings I sit by the fire, watching movies (ok, I admit - it´s gotten a bit out of control... The day before yesterday I wathced 3 DVD-films... But they were good, though) with 2-3 cats all over my body. An ideal way to spend a long, cold, dark winter night, if you ask me.

Plenty of time to do nothing

Ok, so I haven´t been very active lately - I haven´t even reported all the annoying (and stinking) things that my cats have done in the wrong places (which they have done, the bastards!). Instead I´ve been busy doing nothing.
Suppose that was what I needed.
And it´s not even true. I just haven´t done any paid work for quite a while now. But instead I´ve had a lot of time to think, and to feel miserable, and to feel even more miserable - and slowly begin to feel better again...
What happened? Too much at the same time. Shit I had been running away from finally got to me - and it was a lot more than a full load in the kittylitter box...

Anyway, the month of August was one of the worst months I´ve had to endure in a loooong time, but now it´s September, and right now life feels good! (but since I´m officially depressed, I suppose I should just sit down and wait ´till this feeling goes away...)

Actually, I´m writing this just to let R know that my cats are still doing their best to make my life miserable - but let´s not blame them for the mess I´ve been in for the last few weeks... I caused it myself by believing I was Super Woman and working too hard, for too long. Then Life didn´t make things easier by suddenly forcing me to struggle with some very disturbing, but unavoidable, existential questions - and, well... for a while that was a bit more than I could handle. Of course, the same questions are still without answers, but I seem to be getting used to not having any answers. And some days I can even laugh at the absurdity of the entire human existence.


And now, some more Kitty News:
A few weeks ago, I almost got myself a fifth cat... It was a homeless little thing that a friend left in my house, because he felt sorry for the lost and hungry creature (- and he claimed he couldn´t adopt any kitten, although he has only two cats from before - two big ones, that is true, but anyway, four normal size cats are more than two big ones, whichever way you look at it...).
The cat was here for one day, and I just fell in love with the tiny thing! I had almost decided to keep it if no owner showed up. But unfortunately somebody did come and get it! [Maybe I will adopt another little cat later this fall. I do have "doctor´s order" to do things that cheer me up.
Well, that little cat certainly did!]

No time to do anything

I haven´t written for a month, and the reason is I have been working. And I´m so tired I could lie down and cry... But somehow I have to find the energy to go on for two more weeks. Two weeks! That seems like an enternity when I think of what I have to do. I had no idea it would be this hard to finish all the work this summer - I somehow thought I´d be able to do more, in less time.
But I couldn´t. And I can´t!
I´m awfully tired - and I´ve been tired for a long time... I need time off!! Now! So why can´t I just leave what I´m doing and take care of myself? I mean, that would be the most sane thing to do right now, since it doesn´t seem to matter anyway if I do a good job, or a mediocre job (or none at all) because I still don´t know if I´ll have a chance to keep on doing what I like to do (radio programmes...) next year. It´s all about money. And I just hate this situation.

Still, something keeps me from giving up...
Am I an idiot?
Or just too ambitious?
Or is it just a personal thing, that I want to finish what I started over 6 months ago? And I want to do it well?
But I need a vacation. And not only a week or two, but a real vacation! Last year I didn´t really have one, since having to deal with the fact that your husband is planning to move to another country isn´t exactly having time off, and that is what happened during my 3-4 free weeks last summer.
But I didn´t realize exactly how tired I was until the beginning of this summer - after the documentary, after all the other programmes...
Now I have reached the point where I sleep badly, wake up too early, feel irritated with anyone who expect something from me - and in short, I´m bitchier than ever!
More than one person has suggested that I´m heading for a burnout... I´m afraid they might be right. I have to do something to avoid that, and I have to do it soon...
But I still have to endure two more weeks...
(why? I don´t know. I know that nobody is going to reward me for this... I´m the only one who is going to suffer. But for some reason I can´t explain I want to finish this El Hierro series that I´ve been struggling with for the last month. I want to reach a conclusion... For my own sake. This island has been on my mind for more than 6 months - I can´t quit now! - Or could I? No, I think I´d hate myself even more if I´d just give up...)

Now I just have to stop writing, and start working. I´m too responsible to just call and say "I´m too damned exhausted!! - there will be no more programmes for a while!" I just don´t....

Above you can see a picture of one of my new best friends. We have two small ones that come and ask for cat food almost every day. The cats usually don´t bother them - not after the first try, anyway...

Life is a party

I don´t seem to find the time to write anything at all this summer - partly because I´m too busy having parties in my garden... (as you can see)

[And of course, another reason is that I don´t have any paid vacation time, so I´m trying to work. Which I don´t. But I should.]

The cats don´t do much in the litter box right now. They do it outside.

And I have finally gotten rid of last winter´s cat pee and cat shit (and 6 months old cat blood...) from inside the house.

And I also seem to have gotten rid of some mental shit that has been bothering me for a while.

Actually, I have a lot of non-kitty litter related things I could tell, but not now. Because I am too lazy...

I just want to enjoy the long and summer nights while I can - soon enough we will have darkness and snow again.

(Not that I want to think about it, but it´s a fact)

The picture where you can see the water tower was taken yesterday evening at about 11.30 p.m - and there was also a very nice rainbow...

It´s over - and I´m still alive

I did it - and I survived. It was even sort of fun to edit the documentary - once I got started. But it was exhausting! Anyway, it´s over now - and not only the documentary. Maybe I can now finally leave the '70 behind and get on with my life without continuously having to reexamine things that happened 30 years ago. And maybe I can also accept the fact that I am 47, and even though it sucks to realize that life passes so damned fast, it also feels good to know from experience that even if I might feel like shit right now, it will pass... It always does. (And if I wake up in the morning with an undetermined feeling of sadness - which has been the case for most of the month of May - I just cry until it feels a bit better, and go on with my day. Because I know that I won´t cry forever, and the pain will go away - eventually... )

In Helsinki

These last weeks have been absolutely crazy, and yesterday before I took the train to Helsinki (where I am right now) I told everybody I saw that if I survive until Friday I´m going to celebrate in such a way that the hang-over will last for at least 3 days...

My present state of mind doesn´t have to do only with the radio documentary I´m editing this week (even though the fact that I haven´t been able to get a grip on what I´m actually doing - and why - has been hanging like a black cloud over my head since the beginning of April...), but for some reason all kinds of old shit has come back to haunt me lately, so I´m exhausted. I feel like a tired old woman. And that´s what I am. I just sometimes seem to forget..

No, I must admit, I´ve had a lot of fun also, these last weeks, so I shouldn´t complain. It´s just that too many weird things have been happening a little bit to close to each other. And it takes time to deal with all of it, mentally.
One day I´ll be able to laugh at this crazy spring, I´m sure...
But not yet.

Now I have to go to my hotel room and try to get some sleep... Somehow I must survive until Friday so I can celebrate - if there will be a reason te celebrate...
(of course there will be! I have to stop my negative thinking...)